History's Greatest Monster

"History's Greatest Monster" is the pilot episode of the series.

Plot synopsis
The episode starts with a cold opener in which Tony's coworkers in Purgatory are all querying Tony about a "specifically vague" memo issued to all employees by Death. The office workers and Tony himself are convinced the memo is directly addressing Tony's work performance in Purgatory. Chad Bradley introduces us to "Chad Bradley's top three - rules that is."

We are introduced to the first client the audience sees Tony interview, Arthur Chester. After a brief interview with a lack of research into Chester's life, Tony condemns him to Hell. Death immediately calls Tony to his office, reads the memo previously mentioned out loud, and berates Tony for his lack of research into Chester's heroic life. Tony is threatened with being destroyed in the Soul Shredder if he fails to improve his job performance.

Tony returns to his desk, tasked with the challenge of properly interviewing 10 clients while doing "Chad Bradley's best." He applies himself to the job to the best of his ability, remarking that "This trying hard and doing a good job sure is a lot harder than being really shitty and apathetic all the time." Tony's 10th client ends up George Washington, and Tony initially rejoices at how easy it will be to judge Washington's positively. During the interview, Washington reveals that he had slaves in his lifetime who tended his tobacco fields. Despite Tony's new doubts and shock at this revelation, Tony decides to send Washington to Heaven.

Unsure if he made the right decision, he revisits Death's office and the following conversation occurs between them.

Tony: "I found out someone I thought was great, you know - someone I thought was the best of us,he was sort of a turd. And in spite all the turdy shitty unforgiveable, you know, turdy shit he did, he was mostly good, you know - a good guy. And a guy that should be in Heaven... So that's where I sent him. I sent him to Heaven and if that was the wrong call... Did I do a good job?"

Death: "You did... A job, Tony. You did your job. And you did your best. I mean, I threatened you with aggressively painful annihilation, and you managed to squeeze out the absolute minimum amount of effort to keep that from happening."

Tony: '''But I don't think I learned anything. I mean, I still sent George Washington to the same place I would have regardless... And now I feel like shit. And I-I know a bunch of stuff I wish I didn't know.''"

Death:"So you've learned the most important lesson of all! You learned that everything is relative. People are ambiguous. Life is at best chaotic, random, almost wholely without meaning."

Tony: "Wait wait wait, so nothing has meaning? This job? What we're doing here? Purgatory doesn't have any meaning?"

Death: "You give it meaning, Tony. When you make a connection with these people, you make it matter to them, and to you... Just not to me."

Appearances

 * Tony Pergatelli
 * Chad Bradley
 * Death
 * Arthur Chester

Notes & trivia

 * George Washington truly did own slaves. The show raises the question of whether his negative actions outweigh his positive ones.
 * In this episode, Death affirms that all dogs do go to Heaven, but all cats go to Hell.